When elected, I am going nationalize Ottawa. I am going to build a big wall around Ottawa called the Ottawall. We will separate from the rest of Canada. It will be called “Ottawexit” and everyone will love it. Quebec will love it. The western provinces will love it. But most of all Ottawans will love it.
WHY SEPERATE OTTAWA FROM CANADA?
The western provinces do nothing but complain complain complain about Ottawa. Same goes for Quebec. I say, let ‘em govern themselves.
All good nations have a strong national identity. When elected, we will double down on all the things Ottawa.
Everybody will be given a government job. Each government job will only have a purpose in relation to other government jobs. The PQQQ will write for the MOKK who will manage the PBTU who will mediate for the PQQQ. Unemployment will drop to zero.
This is will be called our
or UBGJ. Think of it like a UBI, but you need to pretend to shuffle papers around for an hour. Very little will get done, so don't worry about the workload. When we finally complete projects, we'll scrap them entirely because they're outdated and don't fit with our vision.
We’ll also have a national anthem that goes like this:
We love the government
We love our giant wall
We don’t take risks
No we take none at all!
SSC and DND!
FAC and IRCC
TBS and GAC!
A post-Ottawexit national language will embrace bilingualism: everyone will speak either GS or Frenglish.
GS (Government Speak for long, or Govspk for middle) simply requires you to speak only in abbreviations. For example, that last sentence would be pronounced "G(GSFLOGFM)SRYTSOIA." IPETFOOYGTHOI (it's pretty easy to figure out once you've got the hang of it).
If les personnes prefer, ils may also speakent Frenglish--that is, they may parle French in a strained Anglais accent, or English in a strained accent Français. Bien sure, why not!
Once we’re nationalized we can completely control our own currency. This means we don't have to worry about debt or anything, I assume.
To reinforce our national identity all international chains and business will have to rebrand to be Ottawa friendly. Some examples include:
Local business are acceptable as they are.
We will decrease focus on exports, as we do not want to influence our currency by participating in a globalized economy. We will however maintain one primary export: government.
Once fully nationalized, we will happily Ottawannex any willing neighbouring municipalities. If Gatineau wants to be Ottawa, they can be! The end goal is to eventually annex all of Canada, with Ottawa as its new capital.
I will relocate the mayoral residence to the bell tower atop Parliament. Every morning at 9 AM I will come out ring the bell and wave at everybody ☺️
DO YOU HAVE THE POWER TO DO THIS?
No. However, my first act as mayor will give me the power to do it. So I reckon that’ll work out.
Also I’m personal friends with Doug Ford and he’s giving the Ottawa mayor more power in preparation for my victory. So let’s just say I’ve got friends in high places.
WHAT ARE YOUR OTHER POLICIES?
Look, I just want to build a big wall around Ottawa. Once we get that built a really feel like everything else is just gonna kinda click into place around it.
CAN ANYONE GET IN?
CAN ANYONE GET OUT?
Look, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Which is to say we might have to take down all the bridges leading into other municipalities.
THIS SOUNDS A LOT LIKE NORTH KOREA
THIS IS A JOKE, RIGHT?
No. If elected the first thing I am going do is spend as much money as I need to, go into as much debt as I need to, print as much money as I need to, do whatever it takes in order to build a big wall around Ottawa.
Some people are going to read all of this and still think I’m joking. I’m not joking. This is your warning. When I win, I am going to do this and you don’t get to be surprised about it.
WHY ARE YOU RUNNING?
I am severely mentally ill.
WHY SHOULD YOU VOTE GREG GUEVARA THIS ELECTION
- Because you want an Ottawall
- The thought of having an Ottawall excites you
- If you see me on the street and say you voted for me I will give you a handshake and/or fistbump (your choice)
To get in contact with the campaign or to donate email firstname.lastname@example.org
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